Weehhh Haah, The next chapter is about to be written. I am accepted into the Clinical Trial. I will start tomorrow (4/18/08). I will then have to return to Houston one day a week for 5 weeks. That is a bit of a pain but you got to do what you got to do. I will have to be in Houston on Thursday's. That means I will fly out on Wednesday and return in the afternoon on Thursday pending any problems or side effects that may arise. If the chemo works after the first 28 days, then I only have to come back once a month. So it is just a matter of getting through the first 5 weeks. So we will see. Just another waiting game. Chemo, Chemo, Chemo.
We have met some incredible people out here. This place (MD Anderson Cancer Center) is remarkable. It is such a HUGE hospital dedicated to cancer. The people you meet are amazing people. Some are worse off then you and some are better, but the fact that you are surrounded by thousands of cancer patients puts a lot in perspective. It is scary in one way that so many people have cancer. It provides hope in that so many people have the chance to be treated and live longer lives. It is inspiring because you know you are not the only one going through this. And trust me, I have had a tough go but there are many people that may have not had as long as a battle but are worse off. That is what gives me hope and sometimes makes me cry. I know I am a complete sap, but when you have gone through what I have your emotions run at an all time high. Most of you have witnessed it. There are a bunch of people that I have seen wearing this T-Shirt and hat with a very cool logo. The logo is "CANCER SUCKS!". I got a kick out of that. We may have to make up some our own "Cancer Sucks" t-shirts for the KPB Classic. It is never to early to think about the KPB Classic. Wow, we are getting to the age where some or your kids are going to be playing. Scary!!!
Over and out.
The Beinder Man
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Houston
In Houston, TX baby. The weather is really nice here. We sat out the first day and I actually got a little sun burnt. My mom has been sitting out every day. She is a sun worshipper. It has been sleep, eat, test, eat and sleep out here. I have had MRIs, CT scans, X-Rays and blood tests. It has not been relaxing but also not to hectic.
Meet with the Docs tomorrow to determine the plan. I am anxious, scared and hopeful about this meeting. I am still not feeling the greatest I have ever felt so I am a little scared to start chemo again. That is where I am right now mentally so I have to push on. I am sure the Docs will also help me figure out if I am ready for chemo yet or not. It is just scary to start chemo when you are still not 100%, but the thought of waiting is also scary. I am in a catch 22. A win win situation.
I miss Katherine and Alek really bad. I shed at least one tear a day thinking about them and especially Alek (sorry baby, I love you so much you know that). I was telling someone here in TX that he is the reason to live and push forward but that is also the scary part. I just want to be here as long as possible for him and Kath and all of you.
Well keep it real y'all
Kris
Meet with the Docs tomorrow to determine the plan. I am anxious, scared and hopeful about this meeting. I am still not feeling the greatest I have ever felt so I am a little scared to start chemo again. That is where I am right now mentally so I have to push on. I am sure the Docs will also help me figure out if I am ready for chemo yet or not. It is just scary to start chemo when you are still not 100%, but the thought of waiting is also scary. I am in a catch 22. A win win situation.
I miss Katherine and Alek really bad. I shed at least one tear a day thinking about them and especially Alek (sorry baby, I love you so much you know that). I was telling someone here in TX that he is the reason to live and push forward but that is also the scary part. I just want to be here as long as possible for him and Kath and all of you.
Well keep it real y'all
Kris
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Short People Make Good Athletes
Wow it has been a long time since I posted. Sorry about that. It in not for a lack of thinking on my behalf. It is the act of being lazy and content. A quick update. My throat is much better. I am starting to eat almost anything I want. I am starting to gain some of the weight I lost back. Going to Houston next week. Marg and I leave Monday in the early morning.
This morning I was thinking about what has shaped my life and what in my aspects of growing up has given me the strength to fight this mad disease they call cancer. There were two things that came to my mind. One was the fact that I was into sports and was an athlete. The other was my size or should I say lack of size. You can laugh. We all know I am not the biggest guy in the world. I was always picked on from the early days all the way to College. I can remember many times being called every name you could think of for a short person. You name it I've heard it. I remember playing soccer in high school and the opposing team's fans would stand behind the goal and just tool on me. Can you grab the cross bar? Well they had a right to pick on me, I was short but I had something that always helped me. I was smart and I was crazy. That helped. When I was young the name calling tended to bother me more then when I was older. I guess I was used to it and I got good coaching from Mom and Dad on how to deal with it. Maggie and Bruno were great in coaching me on how to deal with it. They would say "you show them that being short does not matter by doing .........". I did show them. I think this is where a great deal of my perseverance comes from. I never let people who put me down get in the way of my goals. I always felt like I had something to prove. I always had a challenge to overcome. I never had anything given to me. It wasn't like someone said look at that Beinder kid, he is really short. He is going to be a star. No that did not happen. I had to prove myself and show people my worth. There was one thing I know is that I always gave it my best. Whether it was learning a foreign language so I could fit in. Whether it was trying to find friends after we had moved to a new town. Whether is was stepping on the ice with a bunch of Austrians without knowing German and trying to figure out what they were doing. What ever the situation was I managed to get through it and I never quit.
So in my opinion being short helped me gain the no quit attitude and the idea I could persevere through anything. The other part that I mentioned was sports. If you have ever read Lance Armstrong's book "It is not about the bike" this may sound familiar. Athletes tend to have this attitude that when they are injured or in pain, that they will just power thought it. Lance experienced the same thing. He powered through the pain, the headaches until it was so bad that he knew something was wrong. I experienced the exact same thing. I powered through the pain and the loss of vision until I knew there was something wrong when Kesten was beating me at tennis. However the point I am trying to make is that athletes have this gift of being able to move forward no matter what the circumstance are. They can always find a way to finish the game in an attempt to win. If you are down, you can not put your head down. You must keep moving the ball up the field. When you couple a small fry like myself who had all the odds against him with his size and and give him the heart of a lion, you get quite the athlete. Yes I am bragging and reliving my glory days. But I can not help to think that being an athlete, a small one, has given me a mindset that has helped me fight. I don't know what to call it, but it is almost something that you either have or don't. The great thing is all of my friends have it in one way or another. That is why we are such good friends, we all have that x-factor. We all have that competitive drive. That is the best part about our group. This bond is what has given me the stength to keep fighting.
What else is going on. Alek is great. He is growing and changing every day. It is crazy. I really am not looking forward to going to Houston. I just don't feel like going out there. I know I have to but I'd rather stay here. There is something about going for blood tests, MRIs, and doctors apointments that is just not appealilng. I guess the good thing about Houston will be the weather.
Well I am out of here. Keep it real
Kris
This morning I was thinking about what has shaped my life and what in my aspects of growing up has given me the strength to fight this mad disease they call cancer. There were two things that came to my mind. One was the fact that I was into sports and was an athlete. The other was my size or should I say lack of size. You can laugh. We all know I am not the biggest guy in the world. I was always picked on from the early days all the way to College. I can remember many times being called every name you could think of for a short person. You name it I've heard it. I remember playing soccer in high school and the opposing team's fans would stand behind the goal and just tool on me. Can you grab the cross bar? Well they had a right to pick on me, I was short but I had something that always helped me. I was smart and I was crazy. That helped. When I was young the name calling tended to bother me more then when I was older. I guess I was used to it and I got good coaching from Mom and Dad on how to deal with it. Maggie and Bruno were great in coaching me on how to deal with it. They would say "you show them that being short does not matter by doing .........". I did show them. I think this is where a great deal of my perseverance comes from. I never let people who put me down get in the way of my goals. I always felt like I had something to prove. I always had a challenge to overcome. I never had anything given to me. It wasn't like someone said look at that Beinder kid, he is really short. He is going to be a star. No that did not happen. I had to prove myself and show people my worth. There was one thing I know is that I always gave it my best. Whether it was learning a foreign language so I could fit in. Whether it was trying to find friends after we had moved to a new town. Whether is was stepping on the ice with a bunch of Austrians without knowing German and trying to figure out what they were doing. What ever the situation was I managed to get through it and I never quit.
So in my opinion being short helped me gain the no quit attitude and the idea I could persevere through anything. The other part that I mentioned was sports. If you have ever read Lance Armstrong's book "It is not about the bike" this may sound familiar. Athletes tend to have this attitude that when they are injured or in pain, that they will just power thought it. Lance experienced the same thing. He powered through the pain, the headaches until it was so bad that he knew something was wrong. I experienced the exact same thing. I powered through the pain and the loss of vision until I knew there was something wrong when Kesten was beating me at tennis. However the point I am trying to make is that athletes have this gift of being able to move forward no matter what the circumstance are. They can always find a way to finish the game in an attempt to win. If you are down, you can not put your head down. You must keep moving the ball up the field. When you couple a small fry like myself who had all the odds against him with his size and and give him the heart of a lion, you get quite the athlete. Yes I am bragging and reliving my glory days. But I can not help to think that being an athlete, a small one, has given me a mindset that has helped me fight. I don't know what to call it, but it is almost something that you either have or don't. The great thing is all of my friends have it in one way or another. That is why we are such good friends, we all have that x-factor. We all have that competitive drive. That is the best part about our group. This bond is what has given me the stength to keep fighting.
What else is going on. Alek is great. He is growing and changing every day. It is crazy. I really am not looking forward to going to Houston. I just don't feel like going out there. I know I have to but I'd rather stay here. There is something about going for blood tests, MRIs, and doctors apointments that is just not appealilng. I guess the good thing about Houston will be the weather.
Well I am out of here. Keep it real
Kris
Saturday, March 29, 2008
2 Years of Pain vs 2 plus weeks
How the heck did I make it through two years of pain when I was living at home. I honestly have not idea how I made it through those two years. The type of pain and the strength of the pain I had, I can not even start to comprehend it. It is almost like it is wiped from my memory sometimes. The reason I am talking about this is because of the pain I have been experiencing in my throat. It is grueling and it has only been about two weeks and it is eating me up. (Ha, no pun intended on the eating me up). The pain consumes you. It is all you can concentrate on sometimes. I just must ask again and again how did I do pain for 2 years? Well I did it and it was not easy. Painkillers helped but the mental anguish of pain is so tough to deal with. Please do not get me wrong. I am OK right now. Pain is just one of those things that do not allow you to fully enjoy the moment. That is what I am dealing with. Powering through the pain and enjoying my time with my family. I love saying my family.
Otherwise, I have found a chicken pot pie that is soft and has good nutrients in it that we have been eating. Alek is starting to grow hair. It looks blondish brown. We can not tell yet, because it is like peach fuzz on his head.
I just wanted to say that our groups of friends are a very fortunate and successful group. You are all blessed with good health and beautiful families. Do not take this for granted. You all have special qualities and are special people. Take each moment of life and cherish it. Cherish every moment. Do not sweat the small stuff. Make it goal to appreciate your life every day. Take a step back and say what about today is good about my life and embrace it.
Otherwise, I have found a chicken pot pie that is soft and has good nutrients in it that we have been eating. Alek is starting to grow hair. It looks blondish brown. We can not tell yet, because it is like peach fuzz on his head.
I just wanted to say that our groups of friends are a very fortunate and successful group. You are all blessed with good health and beautiful families. Do not take this for granted. You all have special qualities and are special people. Take each moment of life and cherish it. Cherish every moment. Do not sweat the small stuff. Make it goal to appreciate your life every day. Take a step back and say what about today is good about my life and embrace it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Settling In
We are starting to settle in at home. Starting to get the place in semi order. It is crazy how difficult that is with a baby. Alek is 10.3 pounds as of yesterday. We went to the doctor. He has a little cold but nothing to worry about. He is really starting to grow and change. It looks like he is starting to get some hair also. Some looks blond and some looks light brown. So only time will tell. We also can not tell what color his eyes will be. This part kills me. I just want to know what color his eyes are. I guess it takes up to 6 months. When you think about babies it really is a miracle. How they develop in the womb and when they come out they are alive and screaming. It is amazing to have created life. It is amazing to see life grow into this little being and think we are responsible for every moment of his life is awesome. Don't get me wrong I am scared also, but that just goes with the territory.
The greatest thing about my recent health problems is that I have been able to spend time with Alek and Kath. There is no question about that. It is truly a timing issue that is a gift. Not that I would ever want to go through what I am going through of course but you take the good when you can. I am feeling pretty good considering I can not eat much solid food. Mashed Potatoes, pancakes, eggs, ice-cream, Lipton noodle soup have become a staples. I can not wait for my throat to get better. I am sure you guys are sick of hearing that but that is what I am going through. It is a grueling grinding pain in my throat that will not go away. AHHHHHH.
Well it is a nice sunny day here in Hollis. It looks like it is in the upper 40's. Maybe I can get out and take a little walk.
Over and Out
The B Man
The greatest thing about my recent health problems is that I have been able to spend time with Alek and Kath. There is no question about that. It is truly a timing issue that is a gift. Not that I would ever want to go through what I am going through of course but you take the good when you can. I am feeling pretty good considering I can not eat much solid food. Mashed Potatoes, pancakes, eggs, ice-cream, Lipton noodle soup have become a staples. I can not wait for my throat to get better. I am sure you guys are sick of hearing that but that is what I am going through. It is a grueling grinding pain in my throat that will not go away. AHHHHHH.
Well it is a nice sunny day here in Hollis. It looks like it is in the upper 40's. Maybe I can get out and take a little walk.
Over and Out
The B Man
Monday, March 24, 2008
My love of my life
Katherine just continues to amaze me with her stamina and support. I have been so tired and trying to pull my weight as much as possible. She is doing so much and powering through this it is amazing. She has such resolve and determination it is so great to see. She is so good with Alek even when she is tired. She keeps her cool and talks to him in the gentle motherly voice. I can not help but smile myself. She is the best. I worry about her so much. I just wish I could do more right now. I get the Baba ready. I feed him. I even change diapers. I know. I am just so tired that sometimes I can not contribute and that kills me. It is such a wrenching feeling in you gut. It really sucks. The LG (Little Guy) is getting heavier too. I have to be careful with my back and the thought of not be able to carry him is mind blowing to me. Scary and sad. Hopefully I can build my stamina back up and that will not be a problem when I can start eating solid foods again. Well speaking of Alek he needs a bottle, I got to run run run.
Later
Later
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Back Home
We are back home. We had quite the ride. Up until Manchester, NH everything was grand. Then our first witness to a baby meltdown. Alek woke up and just started crying like crazy. He was hungry and did not want to wait and could not wait. By the time we pulled over he had tears streaming down his face. The rookies we are were not even prepared. We did not even have a bottle ready. Rookies. We know better than that. Well we got him fed and then we were off to Hollis.
As many of you know and I believe I have mentioned we are going to be selling our house. The funny part is that we have really convinced our self that we did not even like our house while we were away. Our minds had convinced us that we did not like our house. That is how powerful the mind can be. It can make you think something you don't believe. Well the bottom line is we love our house. We were very happy to be home and sad of the thought of selling it. We have put so much time and effort into this house. My parents have put so much time into this house. Friends have put so much time into this house. We are really sad about selling it, but we both know that downgrading at this point to a townhouse is a good decision. With the future uncertain we need to get ourselves in the best situation for us and Alek.
My throat is still in a huge amount of pain. It is absolutely brutal. It hurts to drink water. Let me repeat myself on that one. It hurts to drink water. Crazy uh. Eating is like torture. I am hoping and praying it gets better soon. I have not really explained why this happened. It is from the radiation and the way the radiation goes through the body. Since they radiated the neck area they go through and around the upper throat. The throat being as sensitive as it is gets the effects and gets sore. That is the main side effect and fatigue. I just can wait to eat normal.
Going to hang out with Alek and Kat. See you all soon.
Love ya all
Kris
As many of you know and I believe I have mentioned we are going to be selling our house. The funny part is that we have really convinced our self that we did not even like our house while we were away. Our minds had convinced us that we did not like our house. That is how powerful the mind can be. It can make you think something you don't believe. Well the bottom line is we love our house. We were very happy to be home and sad of the thought of selling it. We have put so much time and effort into this house. My parents have put so much time into this house. Friends have put so much time into this house. We are really sad about selling it, but we both know that downgrading at this point to a townhouse is a good decision. With the future uncertain we need to get ourselves in the best situation for us and Alek.
My throat is still in a huge amount of pain. It is absolutely brutal. It hurts to drink water. Let me repeat myself on that one. It hurts to drink water. Crazy uh. Eating is like torture. I am hoping and praying it gets better soon. I have not really explained why this happened. It is from the radiation and the way the radiation goes through the body. Since they radiated the neck area they go through and around the upper throat. The throat being as sensitive as it is gets the effects and gets sore. That is the main side effect and fatigue. I just can wait to eat normal.
Going to hang out with Alek and Kat. See you all soon.
Love ya all
Kris
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