Bad Test Results

Well, the news is not good. The chemo is not working and my counts have gone up even on the chemo. It just seems as if the tumors adapt to the chemo or are just to aggressive for the chemo. So I am off the current chemo. The PET Scan and MRI results were not good. There are additional tumors on the spine and in the liver. This is not a good sign at all. I am very devastated by the news. When I heard the news all I could think about was my family and how long will I be with them. I have no idea how long I will be here and that uncertainty kills me (no pun intended). It is hard to know if I wish I knew how much time I had or is it better to not know. I am not sure what would be better. I guess if I knew I could plan the time I have. I don't want to spend the last part of my life in pain and in bed like I did 10 years ago. I want to do some things. Kath and I have only been on one vacation during our 7 years of marriage. I want to live long enough to take Alek to Disney World. I want to take Alek and Kath to Austria. All these things I don't know if I will ever be able to do and this depresses me. I guess we have to just hope that we can find a treatment that works.

We will be headed to Dana Farber on Friday to discuss what options/clinical trials they have available for me. As stated before, I will have to wait 4 weeks to start any clinical trials. This is scary since my counts are very high. It just seems when the counts are so high it is tough for the chemo to get the counts down. It is common sense. That is why it is so frustrating that the insurance company did not approve the use of the chemo. My counts were much lower when we put in the request for the chemo. I wonder if the chemo would have worked if we did not have to wait so long to start it. The thing that will suck about going to Dana Farber is I will have to travel to Boston 2 to 3 times a week. It is tough on my parents who then have to travel down to Hollis and then to Boston 2 to 3 times a week. It is however much better then flying to Houston, TX once a week. My parents have been so supportive and accommodating. They are always here for me and willing to do what ever to help us. I guess that is what being a parent is about. You do what ever it takes to help your child get through the good and bad times in life. They have done that and I can not thank them enough. Plus they absolutely love Alek. I love watching my Dad with Alek. Over Thanksgiving he was reading a book to Alek and it was the cutest thing in the world. I love it that they cherish every moment they have with him.

Katherine continues to amaze me. She is so strong during these times. Yeah we both shed tears in fear but she it truly a rock. I love her so much, and could not do this without her. I just wish she did not have to deal with this and had a half normal life. Our life is like a continuous roller-coaster. We have our ups and downs, we have our twists. I just want to get off the roller-coaster. However for us the roller-coaster just keeps going. We get to the line where you can get off and zoom the coaster takes off again. There is no time to catch our breath, just constant ups and downs. We are under constant stress with my health, selling the house, me not working and of course finances. The stress gets to you and effects your body and mood. I have a real hard time getting motivated.

I will be back next week with an update on Dana Farber's findings and plans. Until then, have a great week and talk to all later.

Kris