The Power of Drugs

OK, I have been taken Morphine for the past couple of days to help my extreme pain in my back. Pain Killers are truly an amazing drug. For one they stop pain. Pain, simply put, SUCKS!!!!. I know I have said this in past post, but I will say it again. Pain is so mentally exhausting and takes control of your mind. Any thought you have fall away and the pain takes over. It blocks your ability to function as a regular human being. You try to read, watch TV and sleep but the pain is still there. Hence the importance of Pain Killers. Even though I hate taking them because of their side effects I need them to function. I think I hate them because I hate feeling dependent on them. I think they rule my world and I hate that hanging over my head. I also think that since I was in an almost coma like state for two year and being on the strongest pain killers the thought of going back on them brings me back to those times. These two years were not fun, actually the worst two years of my life and I am scared to go back there especially with Alek and Kath in my life. I would hate for them to see me that way. All of you who saw me know exactly why.

Well I had to get another blood transfusion today because the treatment is kicking my ass. I can only hope this is a good sign that the drug is working since is affecting my blood counts so hard. The doctors say that this sometimes will happen. Strong side effects often mean the drug is working. This is not science or does it have medical proof. It is like a wife's tail. Let's hope those wives are right. They are most of the time. At least mine is (ha ha ha). I also had an MRI to rule out the spinal cord is not being compromised and is not the source of the pain. The results were positive; however there are still large tumors at the top and bottom of the spine that could be causing the pain and are dangerous. I am hoping I don't need further radiation or surgery and can continue on this trial to see if it works. My docs in Dartmouth will review the MRI and give me their opinion. For now we go forward with the trial until further side effects or pain stops me from doing so. Thank to everyone who had offered rides and helped me get down to Dana Farber including my dad (Boris) and Jack Walsh. Cathy, Kathy and Marilyn I look forward to you helping me the next couple of weeks.

I love you all and can't wait to see you in the spring as it become more fun to get together. Easier also.

Kris "The Crazy" Austrian
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