Here come the emotions

Sunday afternoon:  Betty and Frank (Kath's parents) were down for the day and they were bringing me back to my parents for my final two radiation treatments on Monday and Tuesday As the time came for me to leave I finally lost it.   I broke down in tears and did not want to go. I think it was the symbolism of me leaving Alek and Kath that made me loose it.   I really did not want to leave my house.   It was almost as if I was a child and did not want to leave my parents behind.  I have never been so frightened in my life, never.   I am so afraid of dying.   I am so f&^ing scared.   I want to live long enough for Alek to remember me.   I want him to know me.   I want him to know what I like and what I stand for.  I want him to know I love sports.   I want him to know what type of Dad I am.  I want him to know how much I love him and how much joy he brings to my life.   I want to see him get to an age where he will understand what is happening to his dad.   When I think about people asking him, where is your dad and him saying he died, it really freaks me out.   I know that this fight is not over.   I just did not want to deal with this as my son is turning a year old.   This should be the best day of my life.   My son is turning one, but yet I am dragged down by these thoughts of death that I try to push away but they just keep coming.   The mind is powerful.  You all know this and I know this.   It is tough to turn these emotions off once they start.   I have been crying on and off all day.   I am just really struggling with the UP AND DOWNS of my life.   I wish the downs were less extreme then they are.  

Then there is Katherine.  Honestly the strongest women I know.   I really do not know how she does it.   I try to put myself in her shoes and I know I could not do what she does.   A dying husband, a one year old son, a job with a long commute, having to cook and clean, a house that we have to sell this spring, the idea of where we are going to end up and the financial burden we face when my disability ends.   She is doing everything right now.   With me not feeling good, she is carrying the load.   I DO NOT KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT.  I love her so much and all I want for her is to be able to enjoy life with Alek and myself.   I hate the burden I bring to her life.   I feel extreme pain in my heart for her.   I just want her life to be easier.   The reality of it all is that it is most likely not going to get easier if I can get on a clinical trial or if I get real sick.   I love her so much.   I ask you all to please take care of her if I were to leave this world, please.   

OK enough.   We are going to Disney next week.   February 11th through the 17th.   We are going with my parents.   I am a little scared about traveling with Alek but I see so many people doing it.   If they can we can.   It should be great to get away and get some sun and watch Alek's eyes as he sees a whole new world.  

Alek will turn one tomorrow.   Very cool.   I can't wait to see him on Tuesday.

Thank you everyone for calling and emailing.   I really do appreciate it.   It lifts my spirits even if it may not sound it.   It helps me get through the day.   I love you all.

Also, thanks to all my followers.  I know there are more people who read the blog that are not followers.  Please sign up.   Also please leave comments.   I love reading them.