Radation And Stuff

So, I am in the middle of my radiation treatments. I was thinking of a way to describe to someone what is going on with my health. This is the analogy I thought of: Right now we are plugging up holes in the dam. We are not fixing the main problem (the cancer). If we can not fix the problem (finding a treatment that works) the dam is going to keep breaking and it will be impossible to keeping fixing all the holes (tumors) that keep opening (growing). It actually makes a lot of sense for me and for many people who fight cancer. The problem is that the tumors keep popping up and causing pain, but you never get the time to treat the disease. It is getting very frustrating because up to now I have never felt the crunch as I am feeling today. I have always known that the cancer could defeat me, I just never thought that this fear would be happening right now. I expected at least another five years before I faced some of the issues I am facing today. We are talking choosing quality of life over treatment. It is real scary. I am so scared that I am really having a tough time being emotional about it. It is almost like I have no emotions. I thought when this day came I would be crying all day long but I really have yet to cry. This really shocks me especially since I am so emotional. I guess I am in game mode where I am staring death in the face and I am telling it to bring it on. I am thinking it just is not my time and it is not going to happen. I don't think I am accepting the fact that my health is as bad as it is. I guess I have been here before and I think I can keep winning. Is there really any other choice? I am not going to die, I will have to be defeated by being dragged through the mud on my way to the grave. It is not my time. It is not my time. It is not my time. I have too much to see and do and watch. All of those have a lot to do with Alek. I need more time with him. He needs more time with me. Kath and I need to do some things. So whatever Voodoo, prayers, songs any of you have let them loose. I can use all the help I can get.

Well that was tiring. I have a few days of radiation left. I will be home for the weekend and will be able to hang out with Alek and Kath. That will be fun. My wife has been under the gun with work and dealing with Alek by herself. She is truly amazing and is in her own league. I love her and miss her. If you have a chance, please tell her how amazing you think she is.

Still working on Disney Plans. It is not easy to figure out where to stay. If anyone has any ideas of where to stay let me know. We are thinking in the park but with short notice and it being peak season it is very very very expensive to stay at the park. So looking for help, email me at beinder17@yahoo.com

Thanks
Kris