The Word!!!

Hello All,

I have been avoiding my blog. It is kinda like avoiding the truth. Well the truth of the matter is that I am not doing well. My cancer is progressing and it seems as if nothing can stop it. My counts are increasing at a rapid pace and they are at a very high level. I have also had scans and they show the the tumors in my spine continue to grow. The are growing into spaces and areas that are causing the pain in my back and shoulders. I am back on pain killers to help alleviate the pain. The pain killers work but there are always times when the pain wins and the pain is intolerable. Right now my goal is simply to keep the pain under control. I have come to the conclusion that from this point forward the pain most likely will not go away, I just have to deal with it and control it as much as possible.

I have spoken with my docs regarding my future. As of right now there does not seem to be much out there in terms of treatments. If this treatment does not work, the doctors have given me a time frame they expect me to live. That time frame is 3 to 9 months. Yes, they have given me times frames before but although I am trying to be positive, the way the cancer is growing in my body and the pain I am experiencing the signs do not look good. I wish I could sit here and tell you it was different but I can not. I have fought my fight and I will fight to the bitter end, I just want you to realize that this is what is going on. This is very serious and of course scary as I don't know what will happen. I am tired of being on trials and treatments that kick my ass and there are no results. It is tiring mentally and physically. I want to enjoy the time I have left. I want to enjoy the summer and do things that I have always wanted to do. I don't want to die in the hospital with an IV in my arm. I am amazed at myself that I can talk about dying so easily. I guess I have stared death in the face so many times, the thought does not bother me. I have lived way beyond my expectations. I have accomplished more then I expected I would when I was diagnosed. I have built an army of friends that no one can ever take from me. I have been lucky to have seen as much of the world I have seen. LAST BUT NOT LEAST I HAVE EXPERIENCED LOVE AND A BOND WITH MY FAMILY THAT IS OUT OF THIS WORLD. For that I am happy. Kath and Alek have given me a gift that I am so lucky to have experienced. You know the cheesy line from "Jerry McGuire", you complete me. Well Alek and Katherine, they "complete me". They do. Having the experience of being a father is only something experienced by parents. I am happy to have become part of that club. The club of parenthood. I just want to experience this as long as I can without suffering. I love you all and would love to spend as much time as I can with you over the next few months.

Love you all
Kris "The Cancer Fighter" Beinder