Settling In

Sorry that it has been a few days. I feel as if I am starting to settle down my horse. I am starting to settle in to where I am at this period of my fight with cancer and life. There are still so many things to figure out but I am starting to circle my thoughts around them. I am OK with the time I will be out of work. It bothers me that I can not work, but I am accepting it. I hate that I have to really on family to get me back and forth to doctors appointments, but I know they are OK with it and so I am I. Although you depend on people, it is one of those things you never really want to admit to.

I am reading the book "Into the Wild". I have not read a book in so long, I am truly ashamed of myself. I actually am enjoying reading. Crazy. This book is about this kid Chris who is just enamoured with nature and against society. He wants to live off the land and does for long stretches of time. His background is from a hard working family who is very successful. He eventually goes to Alaska to live of the land there and dies. It is really a interesting quick read. The one thing that is very different from what this kid needs vs. what I need. He is much of a loner and see the values of relationships but that is not what makes him tick. I am at the stage where I need the support and love of my family and friends. I cherish that like this kid would charish a drip of water while living in the desert for months. He just wants to be alone and see if he can beat the odds of nature. In that sense we have something in common to will to live. He loved life, it was just a different love for live. I am just happy to have the chance to keep fighting this cancer. I am so sick of it, but I just have not choice. I just simply have not choice but to fight, fight and fight more. FIGHT!!!!.

About Alek and Katherine. Although I rather be able to work and not go through what I am going through, being able to spend all day with my new family is amazing. I can not help but include this is. I can not help but to want to accelerate his growth. I am so afraid that I will miss out on his older years. I just want to see him crawl, walk, throw a ball and say "DADA". You know the instant he says it, you will see it time stamped on the blog. Oh yeah baby. It will be coming out his month as I am typing. Kath is really amazing with Alek. I am worried about her. She has been a rock through this all. I love her so much and just want her to be OK in the future. My one goal in the next few years is to find a way to raise funds to pay off or mortgage. I don't know how, when and through what means, but I have decided I am going to try. This is what scares me every hour of the day. The thought of not being able to provide a roof over their heads. I want that expense to be gone. I want it gone. Realistic, I have not idea. Stranger things have happened.

Well that is enough for a day. I love you all. Over and out.